Reframing the Discussion: Shifting from Abstinence to Celibacy

If you glance through the names of various abstinence campaigns, one word appears again and again: wait. Whether they are asked to sign a pledge, wear a ring, or attend a ball, teenagers are repeatedly reminded that if they wish to glorify God with their bodies, they must wait until marriage for sex.

Studies have shown that this message has been successful to a certain extent. Teenagers who participate in these programs generally wait about eighteen months longer than their peers before engaging in sexual activity. But is this enough?

Christian young adults seem to be getting the message that waiting is important, but for many of them the “until marriage” part of the equation is forgotten. They wait until they are more mature.  They wait until they are in a committed relationship.  They wait until they are in love.  But they don’t necessarily wait until marriage. Why is that?

Many argue that asking them to wait until marriage is unrealistic, particularly in a society where late marriage is the norm. They claim that the sex drive is far too strong and that young adults simply cannot wait very long before engaging in sexual activity. But is the failure of many Christian singles to wait until marriage simply a result of a strong sex drive? Or is there something inherently problematic about this whole discussion of “waiting”?

Encouraging young adults to wait until marriage is a good impulse, but if we frame the conversation primarily in terms of waiting, we risk misrepresenting important truths not only about the role that sex should play in our lives as Christians but also about the character of God.

Unfortunately, with their emphasis on waiting many abstinence campaigns overemphasize sex, turning it into a kind of “Holy Grail” that we must discover in order to live fulfilled lives. While abstinence campaigns may be designed to help combat our sex-obsessed society, their focus on sex and marriage as the ultimate goal that everyone is waiting for can simply reaffirm this obsession. Is it any wonder, then, that many young adults decide that they cannot wait?

Sex and marriage are wonderful blessings given by God, but neither should be our main focus here on earth. If we frame the discussion of Christian sexuality in terms of “waiting,” we may end up placing too much attention on what we are waiting for rather than how we should be living our lives whether or not that desired goal ever arrives.

This tendency to overemphasize sex, however, is not the only problem, for the emphasis on waiting may also promote a dangerous view of God. The assumption seems to be that God has promised a spouse to all Christians who desire one, but is this assumption really true? What about individuals who live faithful lives yet never receive that supposedly promised spouse? Are they flawed Christians? Or is God not powerful enough or loving enough to grant them what they desire? Surely our view of the goodness of God should not depend upon whether or not we marry.

Perhaps, then, we need to rethink how we frame this discussion of purity. And we might begin by reminding ourselves, firstly, that our focus needs to be on serving God whether we are single or married and, secondly, that if we are single, we are not in a state of waiting for a better, more “blessed” state of existence where we can serve God more fully. Rather than focusing on abstinence with all of the negative connotations of just holding on until God rescues us from our horrible plight of singleness, perhaps we should start thinking in terms of celibacy: a state in which we choose to serve God first and foremost.

Celibacy, of course, has its own problematic connotations as we inevitably think of nuns and monks who have cloistered themselves and made an irrevocable vow. But what if we began to redefine it so that we embrace its call to serve God for the time that He desires us to be single but also allow for His perfect will if He chooses to call us to marriage?

What is powerful about this conception of celibacy is that it places our focus where it should be—on God rather than on our human desires.  If we are living celibate lives, we are focusing not on waiting for God to rescue us from this state but rather on how we can serve Him right now.

But what about the power of the sex drive?  Many would say that celibacy is simply not realistic.  No one can refrain from sex without focusing on the hope that someday they will be married. The truth is that celibacy is not easy. The desires for sex, love, and companionship are strong. But, as many married couples will attest, even marriage does not provide the ultimate fulfillment.  As humans here on earth, we will never reach that state of ultimate fulfillment because there will always be something missing. It is this missing piece in our lives that is designed to draw us to God and the perfect fulfillment that we will one day receive with Him.

Portraying sex and marriage as the perfect state that we are all waiting for here on earth is dangerous, for it denies the truth that ultimate fulfillment lies only in God. Thinking about Christian singleness in terms of celibacy reminds us of this fact. As celibate Christian singles, we are compelled to turn to God repeatedly not only as we struggle with our desires but also as we commit to trusting God in the midst of these struggles. But the ultimate truth is that God is faithful, and He will not only help us to grow closer to Him in these struggles but also use us in mighty ways.

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Christine A. Colón is Associate Professor of English at Wheaton College.  Christine is also Co-Author of Singled Out: Why Celibacy Must be Reinvented in Today’s Church

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