Christine Colon || Why Would God Ask Singles to be Celibate?

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Here are some thoughts on our first campus session with Christine Colon, Associate Professor of English at Wheaton College and co-author of the book Singled Out: Why Celibacy Must Be Reinvented in Today’s Church.

For most college students, marriage is a foregone conclusion.

It’s just going to happen.

Therefore most students never consider the fact that they may never get married.

And if the thought ever does cross their mind, and they confess this fear to a friend or pastor, they are most often met with: just have faith and God will give you the desires of your heart.

But what if God doesn’t grant that desire?

How long must one wait?

How does one survive as a single, as long as they’re single?

Colon suggests that the answer is celibacy… and NOT abstinence.

Why celibacy?

Well, abstinence implies that you just need to wait.  HOLD ON until you get married.  Then you can fulfill the (sexual) desires you feel.  And ONLY then will your life feel complete.  This line of thinking suggests that the married life is the only way to live a full (and fulfilled) life.

Chastity has implications for singles and marrieds and again is defined by a period of ‘abstaining from’ for a season and/or certain reason.

Virginity has to do more with a physical state than a spiritual one, and therefore is not ideal for Christians to have as their focus.

While celibacy might conger up images of nuns and monks, the essence is what Colon suggests is the optimal one for singles — choosing to live into God until He calls you into marriage… if, indeed, God ever does.

So why be celibate?

Sex is one of God’s creations – seen as good.

Sex is a sign of a unique oneness between a husband and wife (a covenant).

Sex is also a sign of God’s radical fidelity and faithfulness to the church.

And while this isn’t the extent of the conversation, it’s typically where it ends.

That being the case, sex is often elevated to look like the ultimate expression of holiness.

But it’s not.

Celibacy is a way of making us available to God… and everyone else.

The coming of Jesus redefined the choice of intentional radical singleness!

Jesus often asked his followers to leave their family to follow him — in some ways elevating the ‘Church’ family over the biological family.

Paul goes on to say that it is even better to be single!  (If you can)

Contentment is a big theme of Paul’s.

The single women would be cared for by the local church.

Ultimately, marriage and singleness are BOTH viable options!

So what are the implications for us today?

 

  • We should place marriage and sex in proper perspective.
  • We should give God our full attention, whether single or married.
  • Choosing celibacy is more than enduring singleness.
  • Celibacy gives us insight into the inclusive and all-encompassing nature of God’s love.
  • Christians can be free to marry, or not marry, without feeling pressured by the culture or church.
  • Fulfillment comes from God and not another human.
  • Singles have more freedoms, and flexibility, to serve God and go where He calls.
  • Our hope lies in Christ and not in anything here on earth.

 

Celibacy is about aligning our attention to God — whether single or married — which will ultimately lead to the most fulfilling way of life possible… which means one doesn’t have to wait until they’re married to experience it!

So what do you think?

Take a moment to share your thoughts in the comment section below!

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About the Author

Guy Chmieleski

Guy is the Founder of FaithONCampus.com. He is also the University Minister, at Belmont University, located in Nashville, TN. FaithONCampus.com is designed with campus and college ministers in mind, and is here to serve as: a resource, catalyst for conversations and encouragement for our shared work with today’s college students.

  • Elle

    Agreed! Everything you wrote is right in alignment with my beliefs about celibacy! My issue? The church. It is SO incredibly difficult, as a single, to find real, authentic community within the church beyond the college years. Why can I can so easily “fit in” and find community in every other sphere of life but the one place I long to have it the most?

    • Anonymous

      Elle, that’s a great question… and a real problem. I’m sorry it’s been such a struggle for you. Many churches tend to put pressure on singles after college — without knowing it. Well-meaning adults will ask: “who are you with?” “why are you single” and “can I set you up?” They believe that unless you are “with someone” that you’re missing something… and young singles pick up on this… and begin to become overly focused on it… which can create a community that is less than healthy.

      I hope you can be a catalyst for a more healthy outlook for singles in you church!

  • Will

    Well, I am single and celebate, and I HATE IT!  In 2002, the LORD asked me to “walk alone.”  I asked Him what “alone” meant.  He replied, “Alone.” It’s 2011 now, and I’m 32 years old.  I’ve wanted a wife and kids for years!  I asked Him for 3 reasons confirming why He had asked me to walk alone.  Graciously, He did in fact give me three reasons. This is what He told me.  ”It’s in your best interests.” “It’s for your safety, in the end.”  ”It’s for your good in the end.” So here I am, 9 years later, wanting to be married, but not permitted by the LORD to be so.  Practically, yes, it has allowed me to serve in more extensive ways as both a full-time missionary and personal assistant to a full-time itinerant minister.  It has allowed me to care for my aging parents.  It has kept me free to serve and travel without concern for taking care of a family of my own.  Since as a full-time minister and missionary my funds are extremely low anyway (I have lived off a personal income far below the poverty level for my entire adult life) marrying someone and living a married life in my present state would be financially very difficult, so it has certainly made it easier on those who “pay my way.” It has also given me a lot more time to spend in prayer, work and study.  It has also shielded me from alot of potential heartache, seeing how prevalent divorce is in this present age.  Okay, so those things are the upside.  
    Now, here’s the downside.  I think about women all the time.  I want to be married, but I can’t be, so there’s a frustration.  I look at my friends and colleagues that have been married, many with children now and their lives going on, and I feel stuck…like I never grew up and moved on with my life!  Many well meaning ministers have told me, “God wants to give you the desires of your heart.”  Bull!  If He really did, He would have by now!  Because God knows, THAT IS the desire of my heart!  I have waited.  I have been patient, I think.  32 is a long time to wait in this day and age.  I am a virgin.  I waited all throughout high school, when my hormones were going crazy.  I waited during my missions training schools and even times when I had AMPLE opportunity in other countries to throw away my virginity for what I’ve always imagined would be bliss.  I’ve waited because I thought I was saving my virginity for marriage.  But it never comes!  I’m actually surprised I’ve been able to wait this long! Okay – so I’ve ranted a bit.  But it’s important to emotionally portrait what it’s cost me.  Another thing on the downside, is I’m often tempted by masturbation and pornography.  In my simplistic way of thinking, were I to marry the girl of my dreams, she would be my sexual fulfillment, and I wouldn’t think of those things because SHE could satisfy me.  But I’ve never been married, so who knows? … Another thing on the downside is the growing pressure I feel for NOT being married as I continue to age and I stand out more and more in the circles I visit as a single.  Less men my age are single, and the looks I get from older married women when they find out my age and marital status don’t always help my self-esteem or encourage my hope for the future.  Many of my hairs are now white.  In my estimation, I’ve missed my best window of opportunity.  See God didn’t say, “Don’t get married.”  He just asked me to walk alone for a time.  The thing is, He didn’t put a time limit on it.  So I don’t know how long, and I don’t therefore have any specific day to hope for.  In my ideal world, I would have been married when all my friends out of high school were getting married.  But now I’m just feeling all but left in the dust.  Another thing on the downside is I don’t have the physical companionship that my body craves.  I often wish I had a wife just so I could get a massage or simply have someone to hug and be with.  I often wish I could physically express my love to someone of the opposite sex.  According to the bible a wife is supposed to be a helpmeet, and God knows, sometimes I’ve thought I needed one.  I’m the kind of guy who’ll go out of his way and lay down his life for someone he loves.  But in my adult life, that kind of love is usually spent on family, friends and ministerial duties.  

    So I’m NOT one of those to whom God has given the gift of celibacy…I VERY much want, crave, and desire sex.  And lots of it!  But at least for a time, He has CALLED me to be celibate, which is a cross for me to bear.  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but I do hope that He uses it in the future for His glorious purposes.  My life is given to Him, and as He is my God, He calls the shots.  And BTW: Yes, I’ve looked at ALL the scriptures concerning celibacy and marriage…hoping for a loophole, some scripture I could take to God and say, “See! You HAVE to let me get married!” Couldn’t find it.  Even 1 Corinthians 7:9 is Paul’s opinion, and NOT the command of the LORD.  One day, God will let me marry.  But for now, celibacy is what He has called me to.  I’m honestly quite miserable in my current state.  Yet not my desire, but His will be done.  And also, my life is not without reprieves by His presence.  He visits me.  He talks to me.  He sometimes comforts me. He is an awesome God.   

    • Steve Rankin

      Will, thank you for reminding us that, sometimes to follow Christ means suffering (Phil. 3:10-11). 

      Perhaps a word of encouragement: my 41 year old niece got married a year ago.

      More importantly, thank you for your faithfulness as well as candor. 

    • Christine Colon

      Will, 

      I certainly resonate with a lot of what you say. Before my co-author and I wrote Singled Out, we too were struggling with the frustrations of being celibate and wondering why God would call us to it when it seemed like everyone else was granted the spouses and children that they desired. That is, in fact, why we wrote the book. We wanted to see if there really was a purpose for our celibacy. And through the process of researching and writing the book, one of the most important things that God showed us was the need to shift our desires. Yes, God promises us the desires of our heart, but shouldn’t those desires be for Him? 

      If you think about it, celibate singles aren’t the only ones who struggle with this issue. When you think about so many Christians who long for children or healing or the salvation of a loved one, you begin to realize that in the brokenness of the world that we live in we need to remain centered in our desire for Him, for that is truly the one thing that will be satisfied. As Ronald Rolheiser talks about in his book Holy Longing, we need to learn that nothing here on earth will truly satisfy us because we are not made for this earth. We are made to long for eternity with Christ. So, even if we imagine that we will be fully satisfied with the good things of this earth (even as good as they are), we will always have some sort of emptiness inside that God may use to draw us to Him. Celibacy is a vivid reminder of that fact.Is celibacy hard? Yes, for those of us who haven’t been granted the gift of celibacy, it is hard. As a celibate woman in my early 40s, I certainly know the difficulties: the loneliness, the unfulfilled desires, the feeling of not being worthy of love. But I have learned that even in the midst of all of that, God is faithful, and even when I don’t feel it, He truly wants the best for me. So, I worked hard to shift my perspective from feeling miserable to focusing on how God could use me through these feelings of brokenness. What was He teaching me through it? And how could it draw me closer to Him? I truly believe that God can work even through the difficulties of celibacy, and the work that He has been doing through you demonstrates that truth. As you mention, He is an awesome God. And He can do amazing things even through the pain and struggles of our lives.

    • Christine Colon

      Will, 

      I certainly resonate with a lot of what you say. Before my co-author and I wrote Singled Out, we too were struggling with the frustrations of being celibate and wondering why God would call us to it when it seemed like everyone else was granted the spouses and children that they desired. That is, in fact, why we wrote the book. We wanted to see if there really was a purpose for our celibacy. And through the process of researching and writing the book, one of the most important things that God showed us was the need to shift our desires. Yes, God promises us the desires of our heart, but shouldn’t those desires be for Him? 

      If you think about it, celibate singles aren’t the only ones who struggle with this issue. When you think about so many Christians who long for children or healing or the salvation of a loved one, you begin to realize that in the brokenness of the world that we live in we need to remain centered in our desire for Him, for that is truly the one thing that will be satisfied. As Ronald Rolheiser talks about in his book Holy Longing, we need to learn that nothing here on earth will truly satisfy us because we are not made for this earth. We are made to long for eternity with Christ. So, even if we imagine that we will be fully satisfied with the good things of this earth (even as good as they are), we will always have some sort of emptiness inside that God may use to draw us to Him. Celibacy is a vivid reminder of that fact.Is celibacy hard? Yes, for those of us who haven’t been granted the gift of celibacy, it is hard. As a celibate woman in my early 40s, I certainly know the difficulties: the loneliness, the unfulfilled desires, the feeling of not being worthy of love. But I have learned that even in the midst of all of that, God is faithful, and even when I don’t feel it, He truly wants the best for me. So, I worked hard to shift my perspective from feeling miserable to focusing on how God could use me through these feelings of brokenness. What was He teaching me through it? And how could it draw me closer to Him? I truly believe that God can work even through the difficulties of celibacy, and the work that He has been doing through you demonstrates that truth. As you mention, He is an awesome God. And He can do amazing things even through the pain and struggles of our lives.

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  • Reflection

    I think the categories on the page are a distinction without a difference, really, and virginity seems to be under-valued.

    I’m a female Christian who is in her early 40s and a virgin (technically and physically – I am not one of those people who had sex before but who is now refraining and categorizing herself as a “spiritual virgin” -I think coming up with categories like that is kind of insulting to people like me who have literally waited).

    I have never been married and always assumed I would be. I have no clue why I am still single.

    I’m either going to give up on marriage at this point and not even try getting dates, or I am going to go against Scripture and open my options by dating and getting married to a Non Christian male. I might even at this point in my life be willing to have sex outside of marriage (but not casually; not on a first date, or not with every man I date).

    You know these 18 and 20 year old kids that Christians say to, “have faith in God and His timing and He will send you a spouse?” – you better be prepared to be honest with them and say, “You might be 40 years old and still without a spouse, and you may never get one.”

    It’s cruel and unrealistic to tell Christians such as myself they must live by the Scriptural prohibitions about absolutely no sex at all (for over two or three decades!), or that you can only marry another Christian.

    A recent survey revealed that single Christian woman around ages 30 to 50 now outnumber single Christian men, so there may not be another Christian man out there for me, which means I have not choice but to marry an atheist.

    Most churches I have attended either do not have singles ministries (hence, there is no way for me to meet, date, and marry a Christian man), or there are no men my age at those churches.

    I’ve had it with waiting on the Lord and praying. That is not getting results, and I’m tired of being lonely.

    • http://faithoncampus.com Guy Chmieleski

      Reflection,

      I’m not sure how you found this site, but I’m thankful for your willingness to be open and honest about your struggle to “follow God” in the midst of unanswered prayer and desire.

      You’re right. Those of us who walk with college students need to be careful that we don’t make “promises” that we cannot possibly know will be answered. We don’t know how the Lord will work in the future of any of our students… accept that He goes before them to prepare the way and does want the “best” for all of His children.

      He doesn’t promise us love (aside from His unconditional love), or fame, or fortune. He doesn’t promise us that life will be easy or what we dream for ourselves. 

      His call is simply to follow Him. I’m not sure if you read down through any of the other comments… and if those helped, or hurt; but I’m sorry to hear of your struggle. I know it’s not what you desire… and I hope and pray that you might find renewed strength and faith… and that God will either give you the desires of your heart… or change them. I know you’re not alone… but I’m sure it feels like it much of the time. 

      I wish I had answers for you… but I don’t. I do pray that God will bring you an assurance that He knows your pain, loneliness and struggle… and that He’ll provide for you as only He can.

      Thanks again for sharing.

  • Shelly

    I’m 41, in full time ministry, with no husband in sight. Met a wonderful guy last year, dated for a few months, then God spoke clearly that I wasn’t supposed to continue to date him because the was no “in case of marital infidelity” in his divorce. Totally crushed but obedient, and God kept confirming what he said in sermon after sermon.  I discovered Kay Arthur’s study “Return to the Garden” and it was very helpful in helping me think through those sex and intimacy issues, as well as being very bold and frank about the consequences of loosening my standards.  I highly recommend this study for the gals who have posted above or anyone else who is struggling and at the point of giving in.  Stay strong gals, God knows what is best and has a reason for keeping us as we are, for now or forever

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